Totally original Nanoha High School AU
by Bianka22
Summary: Nanoha's life is saved by a mysterious girl with sad yet beautiful eyes. On the same day she is revealed to be a transfer student going to Nanoha's high school! Has destiny sealed their fates together? Summary is awesome, but the story sucks.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I'm only the owner of this worthless fanfic, unfortunately. And even more unfortunately, I don't get, like, any money at all for it.

**AN:** So, this contains YURI! This means it's girl x girl, female x female, don't like don't read. Actually I don't know why I put this warning here, if you really need a warning that you might read about gay people then too freaking bad.

* * *

"Rise and shine!"

Nanoha's eyes shot open, and groaned as her eyes were immediately assaulted by sunlight. She glared at her mom, who only smiled a typical smug parent-like smile. You know the one.

"Ugh."

Having showered and dressed herself, Nanoha stepped in the kitchen and just grabbed some toast. Like every morning her dad was sitting at the table and reading the newspaper already.

"Morning, dad!" Nanoha greeted cheerfully.

"Good morning, Nanoha." He said. "As you know today is the first day of school. Beware of mysterious transfer students who immediately capture your heart with sad yet beautiful eyes."

"Will do, dad!" Nanoha replied and, passing her two siblings who had absolutely no relevance in this story whatsoever, cheerfully stepped outside her house and skipped towards school, toast hanging out of her mouth.

As it turned out, trying to keep toast in her mouth while running was more difficult than the brunette had anticipated.

"Gah!" Nanoha stopped and heaved, choking on the piece of toast like she would choke on her saliva if some mysterious person with sad yet beautiful eyes saved her from suffocating.

Suddenly strong hands grabbed her by the waist and after a few good pulls the fiendish piece of toast was lying on the sidewalk, Nanoha crouched over it on all fours. She turned around to thank her savior.

"Thank you-" She stopped as she saw the most beautiful crimson eyes she had ever looked at before. Okay, well, they were the only crimson eyes she had ever seen but whatever. In any case, they were beautiful. And yet sad. More importantly, those eyes belonged to a totally hot chick with really big-

"Are you alright?" Her savior asked her softly, looking shyly at her. Probably because Nanoha had just been practically ogling her.

"S-Sure! T-Thanks for saving my life." She said lamely.

"No problem."

They awkwardly stared at each other for a while before Nanoha remembered that she had school today.

"Damnit! Sorry mysterious girl who just saved my life, I have class in a bit!" Nanoha waved at her while running, mentally cursing herself for not asking the blonde's phone number.

"Oh well, I'll probably never see her again. Pity, I just fell in love with her too." She mused sadly, and then shrugged.

oOo

"Takamachi, you're late."

"I'm sorry, teacher. I had to stop on my way because I accidentally choked on some toast and couldn't breathe."

"What, were you running with a toast in your mouth?"

"Yes. Also I ran into some mysterious person with sad yet beautiful eyes on my way and was mesmerized by her beauty."

"... Just sit down."

Her cheeks tinging pink, Nanoha sat down besides her best friend.

"Hey, Nanoha!" Hayate greeted her friend. "I heard we get a mysterious transfer student from Italy or something! She's late though."

"I really wonder who it might be."

"Well, not like you care. I mean you like Yuuno, right?" Hayate inquired clumsily.

"What? Yuuno? No way, he's a total douche and a stupid ferret and apparently I totally hate him!" Nanoha shouted, establishing the nicest guy in the Nanohaverse as a jerk in this story.

"He is indeed a jerk!" Hayate nodded in agreement. "I sure am glad that we have just established this."

"You two are aware that we're currently having class?" The teacher asked.

"Sorry." They said in unison.

"As I was saying, please meet your new classmate. She transferred from Italy. Also, she is really mysterious and has sad yet beautiful eyes."

"Hello." The mysterious transfer student with sad yet beautiful eyes said. In a shocking twist, it was in fact that girl who had saved Nanoha just earlier. Who could have seen this coming?! "My name is Fate Testarossa. I like pleasing my abusive mother who will never love me anyway, and I hate when people call my mother out on being abusive. My hobbies are angsting, looking sadly towards the horizon, being innocent and awkwardly cute. Also don't expect my characterization to be consistent. Nice to meet you!"

_'T-Those eyes!' _Nanoha thought to herself, and apparently her thoughts were capable of stuttering. _'So sad... yet... yet so beautiful! I want to protect her!'_

"So this is the mysterious transfer student..." Hayate mused.

"With sad yet beautiful eyes." Nanoha added.

"Yes, that."

"What do you think?"

"Well, she's cute. Do you think she'd like me?" Hayate gave one of her teasing grins, and Nanoha could feel irritation rising up in her.

_'How dare Hayate think of making moves on that hot chick we both don't even know?! SHE'S MINE!' _Nanoha thought full of bitterness (and hypocrisy).

"Hold on, how do we know she's into girls?"

"Oh please, Nanoha." Hayate said, rolling her eyes. "This school is full of lesbians. I mean how else do you explain why I get so much action here?"

"Actually, the only action you get here is whenever you molest random girls against their will." Nanoha reminded her.

"Oh, that. Heh, sexual harassment is fun."

"STOP TALKING IN MY CLASS!" The teacher yelled.

oOo

"Wow, I can't believe she saved your life! And then she turned out to be a mysterious transfer student! What are the odds?!" Hayate said as they sat down during lunch break, already unpacking her bento sushi whatever stuff.

"Thanks for repeating what I just said, Hayate. So..." Nanoha looked at her friends. "Any advice on how to make that new mysterious transfer student mine?"

"The only reason I'm in this story is so that you guys can make fun of how small I am." Vita lamented. And by the Gods, she was really small.

"I do not know, Nanoha." Signum said seriously, establishing her character as, well, serious. "However, be assured that I shall help you in your plight. I swear by my honor."

"Can you stop doing that, Signum? Seriously, who _talks _like that? We're in high school for God's sake!"

Signum pouted gracefully. And then she huffed at Nanoha. Gracefully.

You could tell that Signum was totally graceful.

"According to cliché romance manga I've read, you should totally give her some self-made lunch." Shamal seemed proud at her suggestion.

"I might try that. Thanks!" Nanoha turned to Alisa and Suzuka. "What do you think?"

"Don't ask me, I'm just here to be extremely passive-aggressive about this girl I've never met before." Alisa said.

"And I'm just here to keep Alisa in line!" Suzuka exclaimed happily. "Seriously. That's, like, my only purpose in this story."

"Thanks, guys." Nanoha deadpanned. "Well, I'll try that lunch thing. Thanks Shamal!"

"You're welcome." The blonde replied with a smile.

...

...

"So... where's Zafira anyway?" Nanoha wondered out loud.

"Who?" Everyone asked.

oOo

"You can do this, Nanoha. You can totally do this." Nanoha repeated nervously to herself, practically sweating bullets. Surely it couldn't be that hard to initiate a conversation with that awkward stranger who had saved her life earlier! She just needed something to break the ice with.

"Y-YOUR EYES ARE PRETTY!" Nanoha blurted out.

Fate, who had just talked with a bunch of irrelevant background girls who will disappear from this story now, turned to her. "Um, thanks?"

"Sorry for interrupting..."

"It's fine. To be honest, I was starting to feel a little uncomfortable when those girls kept asking me questions." Fate blushed a little.

"And yet you and me will be making out heavily by the end of this week."

"What?"

"Nothing! Anyway, let's be friends from now on."

"I would like that. To be honest, I couldn't stop thinking of you. I-I think I like you..."

Nanoha's eyes widened. "F-Fate..." She murmured.

"As a friend, that is."

Apparently Fate first needed to go through a tedious denial subplot.

Nanoha screamed inwardly.

oOo

Unbeknownst to them, three dark figures were quietly observing them from far away. Well actually, they were just kind of hiding behind a trashcan in the middle of the day, but that just wouldn't sound dramatic enough.

"Damn, Yuuno. That blonde bimbo's stealing your girlfriend!" One of them sneered.

"I know, generic douchey friend Nr. 1." Yunno said with a scowl.

The other one adjusted his fedora. "How dare she? After you were the best friend imagineable to her this whole time? I mean it's not like girls have no control over who they fall in love with, she's just being a bitch now."

"Indeed, generic douchey friend Nr. 2." Yunno nodded in acknowledgement, internally fuming at the thought that Nanoha didn't randomly decide to be in love with him. "But I shall have my revenge. After all men are superior to women, so it's just natural that she would prefer me over another girl." He said, as if he wasn't enough of an asshole already.

"Should we rape her too?" Nr. 1 asked.

"Well, rape is a cheap tool to invoke drama... so of course!"

"I sure hope Fate won't save her, making you look like a completely idiotic vile asshole and her like the brave hero." Nr. 2 said.

"Yeah, that would suck." Yuuno agreed. "Anyway, now that we have firmly established that we're jerks let's go do some more petty asshole stuff."

"Yay!" His companions cheered in unison.

oOo

"I'm home, mother." Fate called out softly as she closed the door.

"Hello, you useless sack of shit who will never replace my beloved Alicia." Precia gave her standard greeting, subtly giving a hint as to what her character might be like.

"I'm sorry, mother."

"HOW DARE YOU TALK BACK TO ME?!" Precia screamed and brought out her whip, ready to unleash a brutal over-the-top beating on the poor girl that would make the readers sympathize with her.

"Oh, not again."

* * *

And thus, an epic tale of two lovers begins.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **blabla don't own nanoha blabla don't make any money blabla

**AN: **I'm glad I could amuse a few other people as well, 'cause I have a blast writing this thing. Don't get me wrong, I love a good number of Nanoha fanfics to death, but there are always a few where the plot and the interactions are a bit on the cheesy and cliché side. Please enjoy this poorly written parody thing while it lasts. Thanks~

* * *

As Fate looked at her bruised and battered body in the mirror, only one thought went through her mind.

_'Well, at least my sad yet beautiful eyes are okay.'_

She really hoped no one in school would ask her about that bruise on her left cheek. Unfortunately that Nanoha girl seemed to do nothing but ogle her throughout school. It was kinda creepy, honestly.

But it also was kind of cute. And Nanoha was pretty! You could say she was a little bit attract- nope nope nope nope nope! It was wrong for her to like another girl for some reason. It's not like she could just fall for her without some kind of drama first, that just wasn't how these things were done!

Sighing, Fate dressed herself and went downstairs for breakfast.

"Good morning, mother." She softly said and smiled kindly as she sat down to eat the delicious breakfast her mother had prepared for them already.

"Bad morning, you useless daughter of mine. I hope you had horrible nightmares." Precia spat at her.

"I'm sorry, mother. I don't remember my dreams."

"Can't you do _anything _right?!" Precia screamed hysterically and knocked Fate's breakfast off the table. Pointing at it she said: "Eat it off the floor. This is punishment for your insolence."

"Yes, mother. Thank you!" Fate said happily. She couldn't believe she was allowed to eat it this time! This day started out awesome.

After mother slapped her a few times for not saying "Thank you." with enough enthusiasm, choked her to near unconsciousness for trying to use her hands instead of slurping it off the floor directly and then made her jump through a giant ring of fire for some other reason, Fate was finally allowed to go to school already.

She again hoped that no one would ask her about that bruise and went outside with a gentle sigh, silently putting all her hopes into the lack of fucks the people in school gave about other people's well-being.

Also she bid farewell to her dog Arf, who is in fact a dog here instead of a hot buxom redheaded dog lady. Deal with it.

oOo

"I wonder where Fate got that bruise from?" Nanoha wondered out loud.

Hayate shrugged. "Maybe she got it from another girl who got angry at her for-"

"I don't think Fate molests other girls, Hayate." Nanoha interrupted. "By the way, I think someone tried to sue you for sexual harrassment. How's that going?"

"Haha, oh well I'm related to Gil Graham so they'll never get me!"

"You are a role model for girls everywhere, Hayate."

"I know, right? Oh by the way, I thought of a good nickname for Fate. I mean she saved you, right? So let's call her 'prince' or 'Nanoha's prince' from now on!"

"Yeah, when a pretty blonde girl with big knockers saves you from suffocating, clearly 'prince' is the most appropriate nickname to give to her." Nanoha deadpanned.

"Well, I just-"

"Also, doesn't it kind of imply that girls can't be brave or cool? Sounds sexist."

"I mean-"

"Gender roles and stereotypes suck!"

"... Are you done?"

"For now."

"Hello girls!" Nanoha and Hayate turned towards the voice, Shamal's to be exact, and waved back.

"So..." The blonde started. "Have you made her bento or some other lunch?"

"Yes!" Nanoha said proudly. "Well, I kind of just baked her something since all my attempts at cooking ended in a disaster. Also it's a clever canon reference!"

"You mean kind of like when people call Yuuno a ferret even though he doesn't really look like one?" Hayate inquired.

"Kind of. He still sucks though."

"That he does."

"What's up, guys?" Vita and Signum suddenly appeared next to their friends. "I magicially know that you were just talking about nicknames! I like to call Signum something along the lines of 'boobs'. It, like, embarrasses her and there's nothing funnier than a serious girl getting all embarrassed. Hah."

"I am indeed embarrassed." Signum affirmed, blushing to indicate said embarrassment. Which was fucking cute, alright?

"Let's go, girls. We need to get to class so that a random Nanohaverse character makes an obligatory cameo."

oOo

"Hello, class." Professor Scaglietti said, clearly delighted at his obligatory cameo. "Let's do some science stuff."

And science stuff they did.

... Yeah, no.

"So, have you talked to Fate yet?" Hayate asked her friend.

"Nope. I figured I'd talk to her in some class that's totally unimportant, so it doesn't affect the grades I care about if either of us has to leave dramatically for some reason." Nanoha explained.

"Good thinking. Hey, you know what I heard? Fate lives in a mansion or something! A _mansion_!"

"I don't care about her money, Hayate! It's _her _I care about."

Hayate grinned. "You mean her sad yet beautiful eyes? And her giant-"

"Let's just leave it at the eyes, alright?"

"Yeah, because falling in love with her since she has pretty eyes is soooo much less shallow than liking her more because of her money."

"That's... shut up!"

"Anyway, have you noticed Yuuno stalking you recently?" Hayate asked. "I mean he isn't even trying to hide it."

"I haven't, but I should probably confront him about it. Like, when we're alone at night or something. Sure hope nothing will happen."

"Just do it during lunch break, you idiot."

"'Kay."

Everyone was relieved when the bell rang, hoping that this would be the last Jail Scaglietti cameo in the story.

And Nanoha went to confront Yuuno.

oOo

It didn't take long to find Yuuno. I mean he was kind of stalking her and all.

"Yuuno Scrya, have you been stalking me?!"

"Um..." He stammered, his eyes making highly suspicious shifting movements. "No?"

"Oh, Hayate told me you did."

"N-No, I mean I was just stalking- I mean I was just... c-coincidence?"

"Seems likely enough! Let's be friends again so there can be some kind of love triangle drama even though it's obvious that I don't love you at all. Promise you won't rape me to invoke cheap drama!"

"I won't make any promises!" Yuuno said and laughed. Nanoha laughed too at the obviously kind-hearted rape joke.

Meanwhile Fate watched them and was really jealous. Combined with her whole denial thing she had going on it was really irritating to read, so it won't be featured here.

She totally angsted later about it in bed though. With crying and all. It was heartbreaking. Yeah.

After Nanoha had left, Yuuno started smirking and called his best friend.

"Chrono here." His best buddy said over the phone.

"Hey, it's Yuuno! Nanoha and I will, like, totally date soon. Mark my words."

"Oh, great. But don't be a dick. Treat her nicely, Nanoha is a good girl."

"Yeah, yeah. Hey, how come you aren't a dick in this story?" Yuuno asked, frustration evident in his voice.

"That's because while I _am _a male character filled in a series with enough lesbian subtext to blow up seven lesbian bars, I _also _have a boring established love interest no one gives a crap about." Chrono said smugly.

"Curse you and your irrelevant hetero romance! And also curse lesbian subtext!" Yuuno spat. "Anyway, gotta go now. There is evil to be done." He hung up, determined to do what he did best: Flaming popular Youtube feminists with grammatically incorrect hatemail. Oh, how he loved compensating for his extremely small pe- self esteem!

oOo

"I'm home!" Nanoha called out.

"Welcome home, Nanoha." Her father said. "So, do you have a boyfriend yet? Please say you do, I really want to intimidate him with my whole 'overprotective father' persona. It's so whacky."

"I'm afraid not, dad."

"Oh well, how about a girlfriend? I'll still threat to beat the crap out of her or something."

"No girlfriend either. Although there is this girl with sad yet beautiful eyes that I like. Her name is Fate, I told you about her."

"Yeah. You told me all about your _fateful _encounter with her." Her dad said, snickering.

"... Dad."

"Yeah, it seems like _destiny _has brought you two together."

"_Dad_."

"Welcome home, Nanoha." Her mom said, having just come in from the kitchen. "What are you two talking about?"

"About the girl who saved Nanoha." Her dad replied.

"Oh, you mean that _fateful _encounter?" She asked, giggling.

"I'm so fucking done." Nanoha said.

oOo

Late at night, Nanoha's eyes suddenly shot open.

"I completely forgot to ask Fate about that bruise!" She exclaimed. Then she shrugged.

More drama later was fine with her too.

* * *

The thrilling conclusion follows next time.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **no one even cares at this point

**AN: **I was hella busy around Christmas and New Year, so I couldn't update this thing. It wasn't even on my mind, huh! Didn't help that this site was kind of a bitch the other day. Well anyway, enjoy your crappy parody thing.

* * *

It had been a few weeks since Nanoha forgot to ask about Fate's bruise like an idiot. In that time they got really close due to some quality off-screen bonding, but Fate's funny feelings in her stomach always had a bitter taste of jealousy and insecurity too when she saw Yuuno and Nanoha hanging out.

And when you're jealous of Yuuno, you know you're an insecure loser.

Fate sighed as she sat down to eat lunch with Nanoha and her friends, a sigh that contained all of her inner pain and struggles. It was almost as if there was something crawling. In her skin. Wounds that would not heal.

And her sad yet beautiful eyes looked sadder than ever.

"What are you sighing for? Are we not good enough of a company for the esteemed Fate?!" Alisa sneered.

Something told Fate that the other blonde didn't like her very much.

"I hate you." Alisa hissed.

Maybe it was just her imagination though, Fate thought as Suzuka comically slapped the back of Alisa's head, which really was her only purpose in this story.

"Oh, I'm sure Fate doesn't think that at all. After all we're all she has, nobody else likes her." Yuuno said smugly, his with hatred shimmering eyes filling with pure hatred.

"Thanks for defending Fate, Yuuno." Nanoha said with a smile. That dense bitch.

"I would like to mention at this point that I would be a far better love interest for Fate." Signum said. "I mean look at my fabulous pink hair, my magnificent breasts and my cool personality. Why do fanfic authors never pair me up with Fate? Why does everyone have such awful taste?!"

"Well, I think no one's written a Yuuno-centric harem fanfiction yet. So maybe not all hope is lost." Shamal interjected.

"Yeah, and I think no one's written some crappy crossover where Naruto somehow ends up with a harem of us all either." Vita agreed, shuddering at the thought of the lowest class of all fanfic authors. "Not that anyone would take me seriously even in that. Being the comic relief midget character and all."

"Vita, please. The adults are talking." Shamal said.

"Go to hell."

"A Yuuno-centric harem fanfiction, huh?" Yuuno almost drooled at the thought. "Too bad this is a Yuri series and most fanfic authors actually have some standards."

"Silly Yunno, this isn't a Yuri series." Nanoha admonished. "This is a Yuri _bait _series! That means there may be tons of subtext and implications, but nothing gay whatsoever will ever happen! Let's all laugh at the expense of all those silly queers who wish to be positively representated by media for once."

And then everyone laughed at the expense of queer people and it was hilarious. But at least they weren't Sherlock. Or Supernatural.

"Anyway, Fate, do you think I would top?" Signum asked.

"Uh..."

"I mean you're pretty shy and awkward, but I heard these kind of girls can be like wild cats in bed."

"Err..."

"And I heard some people like when a strong stoic woman like me is submissive and shy in bed. Which is ridiculous, because my vagina would crush yours in battle."

"What."

"Oh, I can't wait having your sweaty naked body under me and-"

"STOP TALKING TO MY WAIFU!" Nanoha screeched, though she actually started shipping FateNum subconsciously.

Because even an obsessive jealous-ridden teenager like Nanoha could admit it was kind of hot.

"So where is Hayate anyway?" Fate wondered.

"She tried to sexually harrass principal Lindy, who is also a cop for some reason. Got expelled for, like, a day." Shamal explained.

"Huh."

Meanwhile Nanoha nearly drowned in jealousy, because Fate dared to mention another girl's name.

Life sure was hard for her.

oOo

"So, you like this Nanoha girl?"

Fate looked at her friend Chrono. I know what you're thinking. Why are those two friends even though Precia is still acting as Fate's mom at this point? Well, that's because Fate literally has no one else she could talk to otherwise. Which is actually pretty sad, why are you such a damn loser Fate?

"N-No," Fate answered shyly. "W-We're both girls."

"So what?"

"The official Yuri rules tell me I need to say this at least thrice."

"Well, alright. It doesn't matter if you're both girls though."

"B-But it's wrong..."

"Why?"

"Because Yuri rules, that's why."

"Well, alright." Chrono said in exasperation. "You can stop this now. We all now you'll end up lezzing it up with her anyways."

"It's not that easy!" Fate said. "We need some drama first, and lots of it!"

"Drama does have its merits." Chrono conceeded. "By the way, is Precia still abusing the hell out of you?"

"She sure does."

"Sorry, plot-related reasons say I can't tell it my mom, who is a cop and would arrest her in 10 seconds flat. And probably spit on her."

"It's okay, Chrono. It gives us plenty of fuel for more delicious drama. And the angsting, of course!" Fate said happily. "And now get the hell out before your character is starting to get bashed too."

"I guess I'll make my next appearance when Lindy's inevitably adopting you. See ya!" And with that Chrono was gone. Good thing, since he was starting to get a little annoying.

"Bark! Bark!" Arf barked, to which Fate petted her in response. Which was supposed to be cute or something, I don't even know. If Arf happened to be a buxom redheaded dog lady, she would probably look hot together with Fate though. Yeah.

oOo

"So is it ready?" The one mysterious person asked the oth- oh bloody hell it was Yuuno asking Jail Scaglietti nobody needs this mystery crap.

"Yes, this date rape drug that you will use on Nanoha at some point in the story is ready." Jail smirked evilly (Yes. "_Evilly_".) at his obligatory exposition, delighted that he actually had a role instead of just being some cameo. "Quattro will help you in this, since she's a smug loathsome bitch."

"I am Quattro and I am a smug loathsome bitch." Quattro introduced herself smugly. Get used to the word "smug", because it's going to be said a lot. "I'll probably backstab you at some point for ill-defined reasons. It's what I do." She added.

"Excellent. But, I want Fate to suffer as well." A woman who had just entered the room said.

"Who the hell is that and why is she here?" Yuuno asked.

"Oh, that's just Precia. Sorry, I forgot to told you that I invited every villain in this story. Including generic school bullies later on." Jail explained.

"Oh, okay. I'm totally going to be the main villain though, right?" Yuuno smiled his most hopeful smile, which happend to make his face look like that of a constipated ferret's.

"Yes. And also the most ineffectual. I predict Fate will beat you up about three times throughout this story."

"Well, that sucks. Hey, we should have a whole chapter dedicated to us! You know, villains only!"

"Yeah, I could really use some depth." Precia said. "I mean look at me, is there a Nanoha fan who doesn't hate my guts?"

"Well, sometimes they pair you up with Lindy and suddenly you're a giant pervert." Jail reminded her.

Precia smirked. "To be fair, Lindy is one hot piece of a-"

"Enough!" Yuuno interrupted. "I should get most screentime! I'm the man! Superior to all the women! And stuff! I think I've run out of misogynistic things to say."

"Superior, eh?" Precia's eyebrows rose, and she took out her whip.

"Oh God, it even has spikes."

"Can't I just gloat about my evil plans in peace and quiet for once?" Jail lamented.

Quattro just smiled smugly, fully satisfied with everyone's discomfort.

It happened to be the second time Yuuno pissed in his pants that day.

* * *

Will Fate ever tell Nanoha about her feelings? Will Nanoha ever tell Fate? Will Yuuno succeed in his evil malicious plan? Will I ever stop asking stupid questions?


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: **I totally profit from this shitty fanfiction. Status: Currently bathing in millions, bitches.

**AN: **This chapter is dedicated to all the cishet guys out there.

* * *

The day was as boring as always when Fate joined Nanoha's friends for lunch.

"Yo, Fate!" Nanoha exclaimed happily. "Did you know? There's a bunch of new doujinshi about us!"

"How did you find them? I mean, how did you get past all the Naruto Yaoi?" Fate was amazed.

"Well, it wasn't easy to continue after the tenth one where Sasuke and Naruto do anatomically incorrect things with their butts... but I have lots of determination!"

"Huh. So, what are those doushinji about? Are they about us making love in a field of flowers?"

"No."

"About us making love on a bed... which happens to be full of flowers?"

"Nah."

"About us making love in some restroom?"

"Nope."

"About me making love to Signum?"

"Hah, like anyone's ever gonna draw that."

"So..."

"They're about us making love! And by 'making love' I mean getting raped by a bunch of random guys."

Fate looked at her sourly. "What is it with those people and rape?"

"Random guys? What about me?" Yuuno complained. "Don't I get to rape anyone?"

"Haha, classic Yuuno." Nanoha giggled. "By the way, what's with those cuts and gashes on your arm?"

"Some hot lady whipped me yesterday." Yuuno said.

Fate sighed dreamily. "I know that feel." She said.

Everyone stared at her.

"What?"

"I don't know why we even bothered coming." Alisa spoke for all the other secondary characters who had no speaking roles in this chapter.

oOo

"...And that is why Destiel is the best ship, ever. Don't forget to do your homework assignment, which is picking your top 5 favorite Destiel moments and explain why you cried during them." Professor Schach ended her lecture, which meant school was finally over!

"Meh, I like Ereri more." Nanoha said.

"You mean Riren, right? There's no way Eren would top." Hayate snorted.

"Oh, you do _not _want to talk about this with me!" Nanoha glared at Hayate, fully ready to destroy one of her best friends for being incorrect about her OTP. And it was true, she even killed someone for saying the name "Armin" before.

_'Listen to them and their Yaoi.' _Yuuno thought to himself. _'Look at how they want to make everything gay. My fragile totally heterosexual masculinity can't take this amount of homosexuality! I mean I still always assume everyone is straight and stubbornly refuse to accept that even these Yuri bait characters here might like other girls instead of me, a guy! There's nothing wrong with my way of thinking at all.' _

"Hey Yuuno, what-"

"STRAIGHT PRIDE!" He yelled.

"I prefer my girls curvy, but okay." Hayate shrugged. "I was just asking, any plans for the upcoming obligatory highschool dance party?"

"Oh." Yuuno coughed. "Well, I thought I could take some hot chick with me." He winked at Nanoha flirtatiously, who just kind of stared at him with a confused look.

"Sorry." Hayate smirked. "I'm already going with Vita."

"Why Vita?" Nanoha asked.

"I can make dumb jokes about her height all night long that way. What's not to like? Also Signum and Shamal go together as well."

"Are those two in love or something?"

"Apparently."

"Hmm, I'm not sure who I should go with..." Nanoha pondered it quietly.

"How about Fate?" Hayate asked.

"What? Ew, no. He's going with Nagi anyway."

"The _other _Fate."

"Oh... well. I don't know. M-Maybe I could ask her." Nanoha blushed.

"W-What about me, Nanoha?" Yuuno cried out.

"Don't worry, Yunno! Even though I'm going with Fate, the both of us are still friends!"

A single tear made its way down Yuuno's face.

Friendzoned again.

oOo

"M-Me?" Fate stuttered. "But why?"

"Well, you're hot, nice and you stutter adorably. Why not?" Nanoha asked.

"B-But we're both girls!"

"So what?"

"Nevermind. And I thought you like Yuuno!" Uh oh, the nasty jealousy reared its ugly head again.

"Yuuno's okay and stuff, but I want to go with you!"

"W-Why? Could it be that you choose me because you think I need your affection and love more in my lonely life than Yuuno does?"

"No! What kind of moron would think that?"

"... People who at least admit that we could be together, but use homophobic underhanded crap as their reasoning?"

"Touché. So do you accept my invitation or not?"

Fate thought about it. "Weeeell okay."

"Great!" Nanoha beamed. "I hope nothing dramatic happens on that day. That would ruin our whole experience."

"I'm sure everything will be fine, assuming that my mother won't try to ruin it like everything else in my life." Fate said cheerily.

"You know, this is a good opportunity for our first magical kiss. I'm getting sick of waiting."

"Yeah, well, maybe we should do it now!"

...

...

"Naaaah." Both said in unison.

oOo

Fate grinned like an idiot while she was walking home. Nanoha had finally made the first step!

Their first step as _good friends _of course. Yes, she was still in the denial phase.

"Well, well, well. If that isn't Fate." A voice suddenly sneered and Fate quickly turned her head towards it.

Yuuno was leaning at some lamp post, looking as assholish as always.

"... Did you just randomly lean at that lamp post and waited until I showed up."

"Yes. Yes, I did! And do you want to know why?!"

"There's no way you _don't _have a creepy reason, so..."

"Wow, you could be a little nicer to the guy who stalks you and obviously hates your guts. Girls are all the same!" Yuuno whined like the little manchild that he was.

"What do you want from me, ferret boy?" Fate asked. Hah, her insult was really top notch. It was a clever canon reference too!

Yuuno grinned maliciously and spoke.

"You. Me. No items. Fox only. Final Destination!"

"... I thought I could just kick the crap out of you."

"Oh, you want a real fight? I can give you that." Yuuno pointed at her with his right index finger maliciously and spoke.

"You. Me. 1v1. Rust. Quick scopes only. Last kill has to be a 360 throwing knife across the map with-"

Fate punched him in the face.

"OW, you fucking hacker!" Yuuno screeched as he fell down and wet his pants. Again.

Fate continued walking home, shaking her head in disgust while doing so.

"This is why girls shouldn't play video games." Yuuno whispered to himself as he was lying in a pool of his own urine.

oOo

"I'm home, mother." Fate said softly.

"Hello, Alicia." Precia hugged her and smiled happily. Then her smile faded and she glared at the girl. "This is what I would say if you'd died back then like you should have instead of my sweet Alicia. You fucking bitch." She backhanded Fate hatefully and then pointed at the table. "Eat the soup I spat into. I hope you won't enjoy it. And know that I only cook for you so you don't starve and die, which would really suck since then I'd have to find someone else to torment. We all know you're too damn stupid to cook for yourself. Moron."

"Thanks, mother!" Fate said happily.

"I hate you so much. I can't even express it with words."

"I love you, mother."

"Ugh."

* * *

i walk a lonely road the only one that i have ever known


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: **i own everything in the world, so yeah

**AN: **The usage of "currently" in my Chapter 4 AN was clever foreshadowing, don't say I didn't warn you.

* * *

_It was June 19, 1999. A truly beautiful day!_

_The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and all that other happy stuff that was negated when a sweet little girl totally died that day._

_"What a lovely day." Precia Testarossa who wasn't a bitch back then said as she was driving back to the hotel after a beautiful day with her daughters where she didn't abuse anyone for once. "I do hope we won't regret our vacation here in everyone's favorite country, the USA!"_

_"I love you, mommy. And you too, Fate!" Alicia exclaimed happily, establishing her as a sweet kid that you should totally feel bad for when she dies._

_Then a blue van hit them and Precia clutched the body of her dead daughter and screamed into the sky and stuff._

_"Sorry, my, uh, dogs were fighting." The driver said sheepishly._

_"I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU FOREVER! MY POOR LITTLE ALICIA!" Precia wailed, which was emphasized by the all caps. And since she used exclamation marks, you know she meant business._

_"Awkward. For some reason I'm under the impression that was the second child I've killed today." The driver mused._

_Precia turned to her other daughter, who unfortu- luckily survived the accident, preparing to hate her forever because apparently even back then she was playing favorites._

oOo

Fate gasped as she awoke from her dream aka flashback.

It was a nostalgic thing to think about, the days where her eyes were just beautiful, not sad yet beautiful. How she missed those days. Regardless of the fact that her eyes looked so much prettier when they were sad.

Anyway, it was time to think about which dress she would wear for that whole cliché high school dance thing.

_'Why don't any of these stories take place in university or something? High school sucks.' _Fate complained in her mind, but since many fanfic authors were angsty high school teens it only made sense. Unlike the Naruto or Harry Potter fandoms, where most authors seemed to still be in elementary school.

Suddenly the phone rang. Fate gave her various dresses one last pained look and went to answer it.

"Hi Nanoha."

_"Hi Fate-chan!" _

The blonde blinked. "Fate-_chan_? Why are you calling me that?"

_"I don't know, but you better get used to it. Because sometimes I will use honorfics and sometimes not, making this whole thing both pointless and unnecessarily confusing."_

"... Okay then. Is there something you wanted?"

_"I just like to hear the sound of your voice." _Nanoha said softly, which is the part where the readers are supposed to get warm and fuzzy feelings. And not the kind you get shortly before you throw up, the other fun one.

Fate blushed.

_"You're so cute when you blush."_

Fate blushed even har- wait. "How do you know that I just blushed?"

_"Because I'm stalking you, silly!" _Nanoha cheerfully said. _"It's proof of my love for you. And it's not creepy and obsessive at all. In fact, you should feel flattered that I'm going through the effort of stalking you. It's also meant to keep you safe!"_

"Yuuno nearly assaulted me yesterday!"

_"Yeah, I know. But then again, it's just Yuuno."_

"True that." Fate conceded. "Well, at least you now know that he's a jerk and you shouldn't hang out with him."

_"I will proceed to totally ignore that after this conversation happens and it will never get brought up again, just so you know."_

"Oh for continuity's sake-"

_"No swearing, Fate-chan! By the way, I like the black dress. Fits you. Also it shows a nice amount of cleavage, so I have something to ogle at the obligatory high school dance party!"_

Fate threw the phone at the wall.

oOo

"Dude, you pissed yourself?"

"Yes, but don't get the wrong idea, douchey friend Nr. 1! I merely forgot I still had pants on, since I only wanted to piss at Fate." Yuuno insisted, but nobody could deny that the fact that he pissed himself meant he was clearly a bad guy. Because obviously only bad guys can experience fear.

"Ah, a vulgar gesture made of urine, symbolizing that you will beat the piss out of her. Fedora's off to you, good sir." Douchey friend Nr. 2 said sagely, tipping his fedora elegantly. "Why, this reminds me of when Twilight Spark-"

"No, not another pony anecdote!" Yuuno yelled. "Anyway, I think I should invite another girl to make Nanoha jealous."

"Dude, isn't her liking you kind of a requirement for that?" Nr. 1 asked.

"I'm not following you."

"Dude, she doesn't seem to like you in that way."

"Shut up! I will not be friendzoned!" Yuuno wailed. "Not again!"

"What's so bad about being someone's friend?"

"S-Shut up! Do you have any ideas, Nr. 2?"

Nr. 2 shook his head. "I'm afraid nothing of that sort has happened in My Little Pony yet. It did, however, happen in my various fanfics. Is there anything more delightful than male pony self inserts who acquire a large harem of mares?"

"Burning to death sounds more delightful." Yuuno muttered.

But then a brilliant idea hit Yuuno.

"Hah... AHAHAHAHAHA!" Yuuno laughed out loud. Evilly.

Soon Nanoha would be his, and his alone.

oOo

"Mouuuu~ this is so hard!" Nanoha pouted. Apparently "mou" was a sound of frustration, but it was hard to tell.

She looked at her various dresses. This was almost as hard as deciding whether to take the popcorn out of the microwave early, thus making sure it doesn't get burned but sacrificing a small number of corns that haven't popped yet, or to take it out later, risking the popcorn to get burned but also potentially getting the maximum number of popcorn out of it. Because let's be honest, the instructions on how long to keep the popcorn in the microwave are a fucking joke. Damn microwave popcorn.

Then Nanoha imagined how hot Signum might look in her dress, and gritted her teeth. That buxom pink devil would not steal Fate-chan away from her! Nevermind that Fate wasn't an object, but whatever. Being possessive is cute or something.

If she didn't have enough dignity she would try to make Fate jealous by hitting on someone else, which Fate obviously deserved for not wanting to sleep with her after about 2 weeks they had known each other.

After Nanoha angsted some more, which nobody even wants to read at this point anymore, she chose some random white dress and then pondered if Fate and her would count as an interracial couple if Fate was some kind of clone of some space scientist's daughter. Then she lamented that Tsuzuki was too much of a dolt to make a lesbian relationship canon.

This, of course, was all Obama's fault.

oOo

"Is everything going as planned?"

"Of course. Though I have to question shoehorning yet another antagonist into this story. The sub plots are starting to get irritating."

"Don't worry, Precia-san. For I, Curren Hückebein, will seduce Fate Testarossa with my vile bad girl charm and put an end to her generic romance subplot. Fufuhahahaha!" Curren laughed.

"Excellent. I can't wait to taste her tears when she realizes you're only using her! Mwahahaha!" Precia laughed.

"I sure hope I will not accidentally fall in love with her and redeem myself by taking you down."

"Meh. What are the odds?"

And then they had sex. Evil sex.

* * *

fuck off Steven Moffat now I am the master of plot twists

... well at least I didn't have to lie about them!


End file.
